I was brought up in a “church attending” family. The Christian Faith was more about attending a Sunday service than it was about having a relationship with Christ. Because of that, my experience was more of a head-based religion as opposed to a heart-based relationship. From my perspective: God was the creator, he had a set of rules, he had a son, and if you didn’t live up to the rules you weren’t a good person. I went through confirmation with my youth group but really had no grasp of what being saved and covered by the grace and sacrifice of Christ meant.

My wife, Jama, and my abortion came as a result of me living in a fairly secular culture and time where abortion was accepted and normal, and not even spoken about in church. I wouldn’t consider myself to be a good person back then, although I could put on a pretty good act. It was normal to have sex with your girlfriend after you were in a relationship for a period of time and I saw my relationship with Jama as nothing different in that regard. Through having unprotected sex we became pregnant.

I was the one that pushed abortion as an option to handle the situation with Jama. We both were convinced that our parents would be condemning of the situation that we had put ourselves in, and I would say that we both had a desire to keep the situation hidden from everyone.

The abortion experience was horrible—secrecy, the unknown, the lack of understanding of what I was truly pushing Jama to do. I have learned through the years (and a little back then) that the experience was even more horrifying for her. While Jama may not have experienced severe physical trauma from what I was pushing her to do, it was evident that it was affecting her mentally and relationally. I loved—still love—and supported her, but I was supporting her in the act and recovery of murdering our child.

Since the abortion, Jama received healing through If Not For Grace Ministries. I did not attend the Reconciliation Weekend with her as I felt that when I finally accepted Christ at the age of 21, I had asked for and received forgiveness for my actions. I felt reconciled with Christ, reconciled with my own feelings, but selfishly I didn’t consider that reconciliation could have occurred with Jama much earlier.

We have talked about Jama’s experience at Reconciliation Weekend, and I have seen her turn into a powerful ministerial force to help the vast number of women that have experienced abortion. For myself, it is recently that the Lord has put on my heart to become a board member of If Not For Grace Ministries and use my experiences and story to connect with men who have had a similar experience to my own.

As a new board member, I was asked to come to a Reconciliation Weekend to observe what occurs and how the participants receive healing. Little did I know, the objective was to take me through the healing experience myself. I came to the weekend with open mind and open heart to hear and learn what the Lord of my life has to teach me.

As men, we are often taught to stuff our feelings and get on with our life. It is generally thought to be a sign of weakness to display emotions of sadness, regret, or remorse. Many men suffer in silence with the after-effects of an abortion, not even dealing with it in the context of their relationship with their spouse. If Not For Grace Ministries and Reconciliation Weekend can provide that safe space where a man can expose and deal with his sadness and regret, and also offers the opportunity and context to dig deep with his spouse or significant other and start the healing process in the relationship. Most importantly, Reconciliation Weekend offers a real opportunity for the man to reconcile with his child and his Lord and Savior. God is willing and able in all things and through Christ Jesus to bring us all, holy and blameless, into his presence.